Welcome to Your Bland New World
Why do disruptive startups slavishly follow an identikit
formula of business model, look and feel, and tone of voice? Because it works,
sort of.
formula of business model, look and feel, and tone of voice? Because it works,
sort of.
By Ben Schott
September 7, 2020, 1:00 PM GMT+1
A week or so ago Colgate unveiled Hum — a smart toothbrush
that “guides consumers to brush better and to build healthier habits without
sacrificing fun for functionality.” Hum doesn’t look or feel like Colgate’s
other toothbrushes … but it does rather resemble Quip.
that “guides consumers to brush better and to build healthier habits without
sacrificing fun for functionality.” Hum doesn’t look or feel like Colgate’s
other toothbrushes … but it does rather resemble Quip.
relates to Welcome to Your Bland New World
Quip is equally flattered by Goby, Burst, Boka, Brüush,
Gleem and Shyn.
Gleem and Shyn.
relates to Welcome to Your Bland New World
For those not tracking the intricacies of zeitgeist marketing,
Hum vs. Quip is just the latest corporate skirmish in a wider consumer war:
brand vs. bland.
Hum vs. Quip is just the latest corporate skirmish in a wider consumer war:
brand vs. bland.
What are blands?
All startups seek to disrupt and disintermediate a smug
status quo, or originate and dominate an entirely new niche. But what makes a brand a bland is duality:
claiming simultaneously to be unique in product, groundbreaking in purpose, and
singular in delivery, while slavishly obeying an identikit formula of business
model, look and feel, and tone of voice.
status quo, or originate and dominate an entirely new niche. But what makes a brand a bland is duality:
claiming simultaneously to be unique in product, groundbreaking in purpose, and
singular in delivery, while slavishly obeying an identikit formula of business
model, look and feel, and tone of voice.
Despite hiding in plain sight (and plain recycled
packaging), this “slight of bland” has won the wallets of a generation that
considers itself above marketing, and created some of the buzziest companies of
the age.
packaging), this “slight of bland” has won the wallets of a generation that
considers itself above marketing, and created some of the buzziest companies of
the age.
relates to Welcome to Your Bland New World
The Blanding Blueprint
Blands are D2C • The target of bland disruption is The Man —
who has had it too good for too long at your expense:
who has had it too good for too long at your expense:
Hubble: “In the US and Canada, four manufacturers control
about 95% of the contact lens market. Without much competition, they’ve set
prices to be much higher than they should.”
about 95% of the contact lens market. Without much competition, they’ve set
prices to be much higher than they should.”
Misen: “Most kitchen tools are either cheap and flimsy, or
come burdened with bloated price tags and unexplained features. That didn’t
seem right to us, so we took a simpler approach.”
come burdened with bloated price tags and unexplained features. That didn’t
seem right to us, so we took a simpler approach.”
Native: “The personal care industry has been lazy in making
sure its products are safe, and we’re not having it!”
sure its products are safe, and we’re not having it!”
Beltology: “For too long belts have been overlooked,
underloved, and poorly made. We say no more!”
underloved, and poorly made. We say no more!”
Blands promise to end this inequity by cutting out the
middle man:
middle man:
relates to Welcome to Your Bland New World
If there’s a sense that VC-backed blands target the woes of
VC-bros, it’s because many do. As Chamath Palihapitiya noted:
VC-bros, it’s because many do. As Chamath Palihapitiya noted:
“The VC community is an increasingly predictable and
lookalike bunch that just seems to follow each other around from one trivial
idea to another.”
lookalike bunch that just seems to follow each other around from one trivial
idea to another.”
This may explain the blands clustering around, for instance,
hipster baby gear (Bloom, Lalo, Bumbleride), personalized supplements (Baze,
Thyrve, Care/of), and valet parking (Oobeo, Luxe, SpotHero). And it certainly
explains the blands that help other blands with funding (Expa), accounting
(Bench), retail (Leap), returns (Loop), consumer insights (Perksy) and
“high-volume hiring for the hourly workforce” (Fountain).
hipster baby gear (Bloom, Lalo, Bumbleride), personalized supplements (Baze,
Thyrve, Care/of), and valet parking (Oobeo, Luxe, SpotHero). And it certainly
explains the blands that help other blands with funding (Expa), accounting
(Bench), retail (Leap), returns (Loop), consumer insights (Perksy) and
“high-volume hiring for the hourly workforce” (Fountain).
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To be fair, some blands do pioneer genuine social change:
Imperfect Foods tackles food waste by selling ugly, off-spec and undervalued
produce; Binti has helped over 12,000 families to foster or adopt; Ava allows
400 million deaf and hard-of-hearing people to have accessible in-person
conversations; and DNANudge has recently adapted the technology it developed
for genetically bespoke shopping recommendations to provide rapid, lab-free
tests for Covid-19. But such benignancy is often lost in the buzz of blands
trading sneakers (StockX, Goat, Sole Supremacy) and selling CBD-infused sodas
(Bimble, Sprig, Dram).
Imperfect Foods tackles food waste by selling ugly, off-spec and undervalued
produce; Binti has helped over 12,000 families to foster or adopt; Ava allows
400 million deaf and hard-of-hearing people to have accessible in-person
conversations; and DNANudge has recently adapted the technology it developed
for genetically bespoke shopping recommendations to provide rapid, lab-free
tests for Covid-19. But such benignancy is often lost in the buzz of blands
trading sneakers (StockX, Goat, Sole Supremacy) and selling CBD-infused sodas
(Bimble, Sprig, Dram).
Blands are underdogs • Although funded by angel investment,
venture capital and private equity, blands present as scrappily un-corporate:
venture capital and private equity, blands present as scrappily un-corporate:
“We didn’t create Oscar because we liked health insurance.
Quite the opposite.”
Quite the opposite.”
“Monica + Andy wasn’t born in a boardroom. It was born in a
delivery room … ”
delivery room … ”
And, like the disciples of Brian of Nazareth, blands are all
individuals:
individuals:
“We created Harry’s to be different from other shaving
companies.”
companies.”
Burrow: “We’re not a normal furniture company”
Solé: “Not your ordinary bicycle company.”
Flora Vere: “We’re Different, Just Like You …”
Blands need a narrative • Rarely do blands declare: “We were
founded to exploit a niche and leverage venture capital until the target of our
disruption buys us out.” Instead they proffer origin stories that mash up
indie-movie “meet cutes” with aspirational “grail quests”:
founded to exploit a niche and leverage venture capital until the target of our
disruption buys us out.” Instead they proffer origin stories that mash up
indie-movie “meet cutes” with aspirational “grail quests”:
Candid: “Once upon a time, five of us started talking about
our teeth …”
our teeth …”
Keeps: “Steve and Demetri met the first week of college,
back when they both had very full heads of hair.”
back when they both had very full heads of hair.”
Allbirds: “A native of New Zealand, Tim Brown was always
well versed in the magical qualities of merino wool.”
well versed in the magical qualities of merino wool.”
Central to many bland
narratives is personal exasperation with the existing options:
narratives is personal exasperation with the existing options:
“We built GLEEM because we weren’t satisfied with the
toothbrushes available in the market.”
toothbrushes available in the market.”
Koio: “It’s not every day that you deviate from the script
and risk it all. But that’s exactly what we did when we realized we were both
looking for high-end, well crafted sneakers …”
and risk it all. But that’s exactly what we did when we realized we were both
looking for high-end, well crafted sneakers …”
Blands are humble • Blands pledge to do one thing well (at
least initially) and, in so doing, they present as a calm oasis amidst the
chaos of commerce:
least initially) and, in so doing, they present as a calm oasis amidst the
chaos of commerce:
“Rumpl was put on this planet to introduce the world to
better blankets.”
better blankets.”
Feetures: “We changed the rules on how socks work.”
“IPSY was founded on a singular mission: to inspire
individuals around the world to express their unique beauty.”
individuals around the world to express their unique beauty.”
No matter how complex the product, blands offer one-click
solutions and simulacrums of customization:
solutions and simulacrums of customization:
Clare: “Take our two-minute quiz to get a personalized paint
color recommendation for your space.”
color recommendation for your space.”
Abra: “Download the app and start investing in crypto within
minutes.”
minutes.”
Of course, it’s never enough simply to flog frozen meals or
mail-order specs; blands must improve the world and empower self-fulfillment:
mail-order specs; blands must improve the world and empower self-fulfillment:
“Mosaic is about more than creating healthy, great-tasting
food — we’re on a mission to build a more responsible and healthy food system”
food — we’re on a mission to build a more responsible and healthy food system”
Liingo: “It’s about much more than finding a great pair of
glasses. It’s about self-expression. It’s about how you present yourself to the
world. It’s about crafting your voice and telling your story.”
glasses. It’s about self-expression. It’s about how you present yourself to the
world. It’s about crafting your voice and telling your story.”
Blands have values • Bland values are simple and uniform:
The customer “comes first” (obvs), with the environment and community close
behind. Because of this — and because there’s absolutely “no judgement” about
sex, gender, race, ethnicity, age, faith, looks, or ability — blands appear to
lean politically liberal, albeit from within the ideologically timid DMZ of
consumer capitalism.
The customer “comes first” (obvs), with the environment and community close
behind. Because of this — and because there’s absolutely “no judgement” about
sex, gender, race, ethnicity, age, faith, looks, or ability — blands appear to
lean politically liberal, albeit from within the ideologically timid DMZ of
consumer capitalism.
True, there is a libertarian edge to some fintech and
security blands, but these are the exception. Indeed, in 2016, after 145
technology leaders wrote an open letter condemning Donald Trump’s presidential
ambitions, BuzzFeed reported that Josh Kushner — venture capitalist, co-founder
of health insurance bland Oscar and brother of Jared — felt obliged to clarify
his politics: “Josh is a lifelong Democrat, but has remained silent during the
election out of respect for his brother.”
security blands, but these are the exception. Indeed, in 2016, after 145
technology leaders wrote an open letter condemning Donald Trump’s presidential
ambitions, BuzzFeed reported that Josh Kushner — venture capitalist, co-founder
of health insurance bland Oscar and brother of Jared — felt obliged to clarify
his politics: “Josh is a lifelong Democrat, but has remained silent during the
election out of respect for his brother.”
Blanding’s liberalism is usefully contextualized by the
controversial Minnesotan bedding firm MyPillow. In many ways, MyPillow is very
on bland: It has an inspiring origin story for a simple product marketed
directly (and aggressively) to consumers. However, two facets mark MyPillow as
a proudly unreconstructed brand. First, the company’s decidedly off-bland look
and feel:
controversial Minnesotan bedding firm MyPillow. In many ways, MyPillow is very
on bland: It has an inspiring origin story for a simple product marketed
directly (and aggressively) to consumers. However, two facets mark MyPillow as
a proudly unreconstructed brand. First, the company’s decidedly off-bland look
and feel:
relates to Welcome to Your Bland New World
And second, the off-bland politics of the company’s founder
and CEO, Mike Lindell, who in 2019 said that Donald Trump had been “chosen by
God,” and in 2020, during a White House pandemic press conference, urged
Americans to return to the Bible. Such defiantly unbland politics help
illustrate the ideological uniformity of blands for whom such statements would
be instantly immolating.
and CEO, Mike Lindell, who in 2019 said that Donald Trump had been “chosen by
God,” and in 2020, during a White House pandemic press conference, urged
Americans to return to the Bible. Such defiantly unbland politics help
illustrate the ideological uniformity of blands for whom such statements would
be instantly immolating.
The commercial imperative of on-bland values explains why so
many blands are B Corporations (itself something of a bland):
many blands are B Corporations (itself something of a bland):
relates to Welcome to Your Bland New World
“Certified B
Corporations are a new kind of business that balances purpose and profit. They
are legally required to consider the impact of their decisions on their
workers, customers, suppliers, community, and the environment.”
Corporations are a new kind of business that balances purpose and profit. They
are legally required to consider the impact of their decisions on their
workers, customers, suppliers, community, and the environment.”
Of these values, the environment is the hardest circle to
square, since even the greenest blands are hell-bent on growth. If the best
thing an individual can do for the planet is have fewer children, then surely
the genuinely eco-entrepreneur might wonder whether the world really needs a
Wi-Fi controlled smart oven (June), or a Bluetooth-enabled coffee mug (Ember).
square, since even the greenest blands are hell-bent on growth. If the best
thing an individual can do for the planet is have fewer children, then surely
the genuinely eco-entrepreneur might wonder whether the world really needs a
Wi-Fi controlled smart oven (June), or a Bluetooth-enabled coffee mug (Ember).
Blands are aspirational • The one liberal value blands tend
to elide is inequality, because while blands are, by definition, not opulent,
neither are they bargain-basement. For the rich, blands are an ironic normcore trifle;
for the aspiring middle, blands offer a fleeting facsimile of prosperity; and
for the poor, blands are either the products they make, or the services they
provide.
to elide is inequality, because while blands are, by definition, not opulent,
neither are they bargain-basement. For the rich, blands are an ironic normcore trifle;
for the aspiring middle, blands offer a fleeting facsimile of prosperity; and
for the poor, blands are either the products they make, or the services they
provide.
Many blands work hard to position themselves as “affordable
luxuries” — the kind of treat that millennials might afford but for their
avocado toast fixation. Others personify what Venkatesh Rao termed premium
mediocre:
luxuries” — the kind of treat that millennials might afford but for their
avocado toast fixation. Others personify what Venkatesh Rao termed premium
mediocre:
“A pattern of consumption that publicly signals upward
mobile aspirations, with consciously insincere pretensions to refined taste,
while navigating the realities of inexorable downward mobility with sincere
anxiety.”
mobile aspirations, with consciously insincere pretensions to refined taste,
while navigating the realities of inexorable downward mobility with sincere
anxiety.”
Rao’s examples of premium mediocrity (the finest wine at
Olive Garden, extra leg-room in economy, food that Instagrams better than it
tastes) echo the blands that trumpet domestic design while manufacturing
offshore:
Olive Garden, extra leg-room in economy, food that Instagrams better than it
tastes) echo the blands that trumpet domestic design while manufacturing
offshore:
Away : “Our products are designed at our HQ in New York City
and manufactured across Asia (in China, Taiwan, Vietnam, Indonesia, and
Cambodia) …”
and manufactured across Asia (in China, Taiwan, Vietnam, Indonesia, and
Cambodia) …”
Interior Define • “We design everything from our
headquarters in Chicago, and produce with our dedicated team of experts in
China … ”
headquarters in Chicago, and produce with our dedicated team of experts in
China … ”
Many blands attempt to coax users into memberships and
subscriptions — using the language of community and convenience to create
long-term commitments to traditionally fleeting purchases. In addition to the
explosion of blands offering toothbrush and meal-kit subscriptions, one can
sign up to monthly deliveries of everything from baby food (Yumi), coffee (Bean
Box) and snacks (Graze) to perfume (Scentbird), vitamins (Ritual) and soup
(Good Stock). Often these are not cheap: The Sill’s best-selling “Medium Plants
for Beginners” subscription (“made for a new plant parent that wants to bring
the outdoors in but isn’t sure where to start”) is $60 a month.
subscriptions — using the language of community and convenience to create
long-term commitments to traditionally fleeting purchases. In addition to the
explosion of blands offering toothbrush and meal-kit subscriptions, one can
sign up to monthly deliveries of everything from baby food (Yumi), coffee (Bean
Box) and snacks (Graze) to perfume (Scentbird), vitamins (Ritual) and soup
(Good Stock). Often these are not cheap: The Sill’s best-selling “Medium Plants
for Beginners” subscription (“made for a new plant parent that wants to bring
the outdoors in but isn’t sure where to start”) is $60 a month.
Every now and then blands get it emblematically wrong.
Juicero was laughed into extinction when Bloomberg demonstrated that its $399
Wi-Fi-enabled juicer squeezed the essence from its $7 sachets of fruit pulp no
better than the human hand. And the vending machine startup Bodega was heckled
into submission by those outraged at the idea of “disrupting” hardscrabble
mom-and-pop stores while simultaneously appropriating their name. Such misfires
illustrate blanding’s tendency to tin-eared exuberance and even arrogance. Both
Juicero and Bodega were well funded ($134 million and $2.5 million
respectively), but in neither case did the cool-cat founders or wise-owl
backers spot the blindingly obvious elephant. Sometimes, of course, the
elephant is the product: in 2014, Washboard proposed mailing laundromat users
$10 of quarters for $14.99 — a bland proposition that was, at least,
transparent.
Juicero was laughed into extinction when Bloomberg demonstrated that its $399
Wi-Fi-enabled juicer squeezed the essence from its $7 sachets of fruit pulp no
better than the human hand. And the vending machine startup Bodega was heckled
into submission by those outraged at the idea of “disrupting” hardscrabble
mom-and-pop stores while simultaneously appropriating their name. Such misfires
illustrate blanding’s tendency to tin-eared exuberance and even arrogance. Both
Juicero and Bodega were well funded ($134 million and $2.5 million
respectively), but in neither case did the cool-cat founders or wise-owl
backers spot the blindingly obvious elephant. Sometimes, of course, the
elephant is the product: in 2014, Washboard proposed mailing laundromat users
$10 of quarters for $14.99 — a bland proposition that was, at least,
transparent.
Blands are bland • Because they target consumers allergic to
marketing, blands strive tirelessly to be engagingly unobtrusive and
convincingly inevitable. As David Mamet wrote in “House of Games”:
marketing, blands strive tirelessly to be engagingly unobtrusive and
convincingly inevitable. As David Mamet wrote in “House of Games”:
“It’s called a confidence game. Why? Because you give me
your confidence? No. Because I give you mine.”
your confidence? No. Because I give you mine.”
To achieve this goal, blands rely on a set of aesthetic
conventions every bit as rigid as their liberal values.
conventions every bit as rigid as their liberal values.
Consider, for instance, bland names. Although blands employ
the panoply of traditional naming techniques (Brilliant Bikes, Dollar Shave
Club), various naming tropes emerge again and again:
the panoply of traditional naming techniques (Brilliant Bikes, Dollar Shave
Club), various naming tropes emerge again and again:
Characters: Either calculatedly generic (Judy, Floyd, Henry,
Billie, Maude) or studiously cool (Warby Parker derives from two Jack Kerouac
characters)
Billie, Maude) or studiously cool (Warby Parker derives from two Jack Kerouac
characters)
Portmanteaus:
Hungryroot, Baublebar, Tracksmith, Trubrain, Classpass, Platejoy
Hungryroot, Baublebar, Tracksmith, Trubrain, Classpass, Platejoy
Color+Noun: Blue Apron, Black Milk, Purple Carrot, Green
Chef
Chef
Monoliths: Public Goods, Ministry of Supply, Primary Goods,
Modern Citizen
Modern Citizen
Vowelessness: RMDY, MVMT, DSTLD, HVMN, TRNK, MNDFL
Ampersands: Tuft & Needle, Frank & Oak, Hook &
Albert, Loom & Leaf
Albert, Loom & Leaf
Quirk: Lemonade insurance, Kangaroo home security
And, just as toilet rental companies cluster around
lavatorial humor (A Royal Flush, Callahead, Rent a Throne, Head Quarters), so
blands have a fascination with metaphor, metonymy, synecdoche and irony. This
gives us: storage by Clutter; efficiency by Slack; food delivery by Caviar;
Burrow furniture; Parachute bedding; luggage from Away; and spin classes by
Flywheel, Peloton, Swerve, Ryde and Cyc.
lavatorial humor (A Royal Flush, Callahead, Rent a Throne, Head Quarters), so
blands have a fascination with metaphor, metonymy, synecdoche and irony. This
gives us: storage by Clutter; efficiency by Slack; food delivery by Caviar;
Burrow furniture; Parachute bedding; luggage from Away; and spin classes by
Flywheel, Peloton, Swerve, Ryde and Cyc.
Creating a truly bland tone of voice is a high-wire act —
too bland and it’s dull; not bland enough and it jars like dad-dancing. The
copywriting tightrope seems to be:
too bland and it’s dull; not bland enough and it jars like dad-dancing. The
copywriting tightrope seems to be:
affable — but not overbearing
upbeat — but not unrealistic
casual — but not careless
pure — but not pious
cheeky — but not annoying
sincere — but not earnest
As a result, certain bland catchphrases are endlessly
recycled: “attention to detail,” “timeless craftsmanship,” “thoughtfully
sourced,” “simple and seasonal,” “chef-crafted,” “everyday essentials,” “a
membership designed around you,” “join our community,” “fits in to your busy
life,” “we make it easy,” “we’re passionate about,” “we’re obsessed with,” “we
never settle,” “tireless dedication to quality.”
recycled: “attention to detail,” “timeless craftsmanship,” “thoughtfully
sourced,” “simple and seasonal,” “chef-crafted,” “everyday essentials,” “a
membership designed around you,” “join our community,” “fits in to your busy
life,” “we make it easy,” “we’re passionate about,” “we’re obsessed with,” “we
never settle,” “tireless dedication to quality.”
Visually, blands are simple, neutral and flat. The palette
is plain and pastel (with the occasional vibrant splash); the mood is upbeat
and happy, or pensive and cool, but never truly real; the dress-code is
smart-casual. Bland people are stock-photo attractive (or quirkily jolie
laide), and they run the gamut of race, ethnicity and age — intermingled
wherever possible. Although many blands (from fashion to femtech) target women
directly, even those that don’t tend to skew feminine or nonbinary. Many
mainstream blands would likely embrace the pronouns “they/them/their.”
is plain and pastel (with the occasional vibrant splash); the mood is upbeat
and happy, or pensive and cool, but never truly real; the dress-code is
smart-casual. Bland people are stock-photo attractive (or quirkily jolie
laide), and they run the gamut of race, ethnicity and age — intermingled
wherever possible. Although many blands (from fashion to femtech) target women
directly, even those that don’t tend to skew feminine or nonbinary. Many
mainstream blands would likely embrace the pronouns “they/them/their.”
relates to Welcome to Your Bland New World
Complex products and technical processes are illustrated by
cute cartoons or Noun Project icons:
cute cartoons or Noun Project icons:
relates to Welcome to Your Bland New World
Bland logos are confident but cute, utilizing an array of
tweaks and twists to provoke the all-important “smile in the mind.”
tweaks and twists to provoke the all-important “smile in the mind.”
relates to Welcome to Your Bland New World
Blands are ineluctable • Despite embodying the vanguard of
consumer capitalism, blands tend to be subtly Soviet — quasi-post-apocalyptic.
Even within a saturated market, every bland’s message is somehow a post-choice,
totalitarian inevitability:
consumer capitalism, blands tend to be subtly Soviet — quasi-post-apocalyptic.
Even within a saturated market, every bland’s message is somehow a post-choice,
totalitarian inevitability:
There is only one mattress …
There is only one razor …
There is only one chef-inspired human-grade
subscription-service dog food …
subscription-service dog food …
(There are, in fact, many: Ollie, The Farmer’s Dog,
NomNomNow, PetPlate, Butternut Box, Spot & Tango, Grocery Pup, Cali Raw,
Lucky Dog — to name just a few.)
NomNomNow, PetPlate, Butternut Box, Spot & Tango, Grocery Pup, Cali Raw,
Lucky Dog — to name just a few.)
Like buying organic, or going vegan, each bland implies the
next — it would be hypocritical to spread old-school FMCG Crest on your
subscription Goby toothbrush, when you could be using “brush happy” “charcoal
and matcha” from the “strangely likeable toothpaste” bland Hello (“Things just
got minteresting!”).
next — it would be hypocritical to spread old-school FMCG Crest on your
subscription Goby toothbrush, when you could be using “brush happy” “charcoal
and matcha” from the “strangely likeable toothpaste” bland Hello (“Things just
got minteresting!”).
Consequently, Homo blandus must be a Swiss Army knife of
interlocking blands: awaking on a Casper, throwing back the Brooklinen,
reaching for the Warbys, chugging a Soylent, logging onto Slack, Grubhubbing a
Sweetgreen … and so on.
interlocking blands: awaking on a Casper, throwing back the Brooklinen,
reaching for the Warbys, chugging a Soylent, logging onto Slack, Grubhubbing a
Sweetgreen … and so on.
Blands <3 Apple • Despite being the brand to which blands
aspire (“Monos is the Apple of suitcases”), Apple has too long and complex a
history to be a bland itself. For 44 years, Apple has painstakingly concealed
code (from WYSIWYG desktop to voice activation) and stripped back design (from
logo shadow to headphone jacks) until its entire proposition is encapsulated in
a crisp silhouette glowing from a gleaming screen. Blands that want nothing
more than to be icons on your iPhone simply set off at the point of Apple’s
arrival.
aspire (“Monos is the Apple of suitcases”), Apple has too long and complex a
history to be a bland itself. For 44 years, Apple has painstakingly concealed
code (from WYSIWYG desktop to voice activation) and stripped back design (from
logo shadow to headphone jacks) until its entire proposition is encapsulated in
a crisp silhouette glowing from a gleaming screen. Blands that want nothing
more than to be icons on your iPhone simply set off at the point of Apple’s
arrival.
Apple was, however, a scrappy consumer-focused startup — and
the Macintosh (“The computer for the rest of us”) was designed to disrupt
International Business Machines Corp. In 1984, Apple threw down the gauntlet
with a Super Bowl spot that equated the hegemony of Big Blue with the horror of
Big Brother.
the Macintosh (“The computer for the rest of us”) was designed to disrupt
International Business Machines Corp. In 1984, Apple threw down the gauntlet
with a Super Bowl spot that equated the hegemony of Big Blue with the horror of
Big Brother.
It’s hard not to imagine George Orwell hating this ad as
much as he’d be horrified by Apple’s cultural dominance, surveillance
capabilities and $2 trillion market cap. However, he’d surely be fascinated by
the parallels between the vast array of Apple-inspired blands and the products
of “Nineteen Eighty-Four” — in which the Ministry of Plenty rations everything
from Victory Coffee to Victory Cigarettes in bland, unadorned packs:
much as he’d be horrified by Apple’s cultural dominance, surveillance
capabilities and $2 trillion market cap. However, he’d surely be fascinated by
the parallels between the vast array of Apple-inspired blands and the products
of “Nineteen Eighty-Four” — in which the Ministry of Plenty rations everything
from Victory Coffee to Victory Cigarettes in bland, unadorned packs:
“He took down from the shelf a bottle of colourless liquid
with a plain white label marked VICTORY GIN. It gave off a sickly, oily smell,
as of Chinese rice-spirit. Winston poured out nearly a teacupful, nerved
himself for a shock, and gulped it down like a dose of medicine.”
with a plain white label marked VICTORY GIN. It gave off a sickly, oily smell,
as of Chinese rice-spirit. Winston poured out nearly a teacupful, nerved
himself for a shock, and gulped it down like a dose of medicine.”
Blands are in it to exit • Rather than settling in for the
long-haul, most bland founders aspire to accelerate customer acquisition to
launch velocity before spinning off an IPO or seeking acquisition from a
competing bland (Uber + Postmates), a complementary business (Lululemon +
Mirror), or a victim of their original disruption (Petsmart + Chewy). As
Casper’s January IPO filing revealed, scale is all: in 2018 the company lost
$92.1 million on revenue of $358 million, spending $126 million on sales and marketing
and, according to one calculation, losing $160 on every mattress it sold.
long-haul, most bland founders aspire to accelerate customer acquisition to
launch velocity before spinning off an IPO or seeking acquisition from a
competing bland (Uber + Postmates), a complementary business (Lululemon +
Mirror), or a victim of their original disruption (Petsmart + Chewy). As
Casper’s January IPO filing revealed, scale is all: in 2018 the company lost
$92.1 million on revenue of $358 million, spending $126 million on sales and marketing
and, according to one calculation, losing $160 on every mattress it sold.
While there is nothing disreputable in blitzscaling for an
exit, it does rather undermine the David vs. Goliath bland narrative. Hence,
exits (aspired or achieved) are seldom mentioned on bland websites, even as
they are a key feature on the sites of the firms that fund them.
exit, it does rather undermine the David vs. Goliath bland narrative. Hence,
exits (aspired or achieved) are seldom mentioned on bland websites, even as
they are a key feature on the sites of the firms that fund them.
relates to Welcome to Your Bland New World
Speaking of exits reminds one of the latest twist in Megxit,
which illustrates how branding has escaped the lab of consumer capitalism and
entered the social mainstream.
which illustrates how branding has escaped the lab of consumer capitalism and
entered the social mainstream.
In June 2019, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex applied to
trademark Sussex Royal in six business classes spanning clothing, campaigning
and social care. In February 2020, after reports that the Queen objected to the
regal suffix, Harry and Meghan withdrew their application and, in April,
applied to register Archewell — a neologism that references their son, Archie,
and lays claim to profundity:
trademark Sussex Royal in six business classes spanning clothing, campaigning
and social care. In February 2020, after reports that the Queen objected to the
regal suffix, Harry and Meghan withdrew their application and, in April,
applied to register Archewell — a neologism that references their son, Archie,
and lays claim to profundity:
“Archewell is a name that combines an ancient word for
strength and action, and another that evokes the deep resources we each must
draw upon.”
strength and action, and another that evokes the deep resources we each must
draw upon.”
Wittingly or not, the sixth in line to the throne had just
launched a bland.
launched a bland.
Sussex Royal — with its whiff of potatoes and echoes of
Prince Charles’s Duchy Originals — is the quintessential old-school brand. By
contrast, Archewell — with its blank-canvas name and direct-to-consumer mission
— is a bland par excellence.
Prince Charles’s Duchy Originals — is the quintessential old-school brand. By
contrast, Archewell — with its blank-canvas name and direct-to-consumer mission
— is a bland par excellence.
The consumers of Archewell’s mission? We, the plebeians.
The target of Archewell’s disruption? The British royal
family, which for years has called itself “The Firm.”
family, which for years has called itself “The Firm.”
Watch this space for the Queen’s response:
WNDZR – Empowering commoners via sustainable Bluetooth
sovereignty.
sovereignty.
This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the
editorial board or Bloomberg LP and its owners.
editorial board or Bloomberg LP and its owners.
To contact the author of this story:
Ben Schott at ben.schott.data@gmail.com
To contact the editor responsible for this story:
James Gibney at jgibney5@bloomberg.net
Lara Williams
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